The Gap Between Knowing and Living

Today I'd to share something that, in my 16 years of coaching, has proven to be one of the most powerful tools for creating clarity and meaningful change: Values.

Someone once asked me what tool was most helpful when coaching people. Without hesitation, I said values work. When people truly get it - when they understand what matters most to them and start linking their choices to those values, it's incredibly powerful.

But here's what I've noticed: Most people either haven't thought deeply about their values at all, or they did a values exercise once and then never looked at it again.

And even fewer people can honestly say whether they're actually living those values day-to-day.

Before I Knew My Values

For years, I had a pattern I didn't understand.

In the last 35 years, I've moved 17 times (this doesn’t include inner-city moves or RV life the last few years) - going back and forth between three countries and several different cities. I lived abroad for 18 years total, in different periods of my life.

I would really settle into a place and make it home. But after a while, something would shift. I'd start feeling drawn somewhere else - to a different country and/or a different way of living.

For a time, I wanted a home in two places - one in Sweden and one in California. I imagined splitting my time, belonging to both worlds. But then that vision shifted too. The pull toward something new, something different, always seemed to return.

I didn't have language for this pattern. Sometimes I wondered if something was wrong with me. Why couldn't I just pick one place and stay there like other people seemed to do?

It wasn't until I did values work that I understood: Creativity is a core value for me.

Now, I never thought of myself as a "creative person" in the traditional sense, mostly because my sister, Debra, was labeled the creative one (she’s an amazing artist!). I see now that this was just a limiting belief that I had.

And as I grew older, I realized that creativity is much more than the way I was defining it. I realized that it can also include how you design your life.

Moving between countries, creating different versions of home and myself, constantly reimagining what life could look like - this wasn't restlessness or inability to commit. This was me living creatively, even before I had words for it.

When Bob and I adopted the slomad lifestyle, it all clicked into place. This isn't just practical - it's the ultimate expression of living creatively. We're literally designing our life as we go, creating our own version of home and belonging.

Does that mean it's always easy? No. There are trade-offs and challenges. But at least now I understand why I make the choices I make. And I can make them consciously, honoring my creativity value, not just following a pattern I don't understand.

The Gap Between Knowing and Living

Before I understood that creativity was a core value for me, my career decisions were much more "mainstream."

Out of college, I did what I knew to do - administrative support work. I didn't think about looking outside the box or questioning whether this aligned with what I actually enjoyed. I just followed the expected path.

And I stayed stuck in work that felt deeply unfulfilling for years.

It wasn't until I really looked at what I genuinely enjoyed - culture, language, supporting people in learning and growth - that things shifted. I went back to school in my 30s and got my MA in TESOL.

That decision changed everything. But it only became possible when I stopped doing what I thought I "should" do and started paying attention to what actually interested me. I started living my creativity value in terms of work as well - again, even before I had words for it.

This gap between knowing and living our values is something I hear in client stories all the time.

The story of Eric: When Eric identified his core values in one of our first sessions, he said family was his top value. However, he often felt like he wasn’t truly present with his family. Work was always in the way. We talked about what this looked like.

One of the things he told me was that he was constantly checking his phone, even during dinner, even during his kids' bedtime routine.

He felt terrible about it. He knew it wasn't aligned with what mattered most. But he couldn't seem to stop.

By simply bringing more awareness to his top value of Family and reminding him that any time he was present with them, he was honoring this, he was able to get a different perspective. It’s like this clarity gave him the ‘fuel’ to want to make a change.

In addition, we gave him a couple practical things to do differently that would allow him to start living this value more. We didn't try to overhaul everything at once.

We started with just one small step: When he transitioned into evening family time, he'd leave his phone in a separate room.

That one shift - that one small way of honoring his value - made a huge difference. This didn’t just change things in terms of his family relationships. It also changed how he felt about himself. He was finally living what he said mattered, not just wishing he was.

Where's Your Gap?

Most of us have a gap somewhere between what we say matters and how we actually spend our time and energy.

This doesn’t mean we're hypocrites or that we don't care.

It’s usually because we've never really paid attention to it. We've been on autopilot, responding to external pressures and "shoulds" instead of checking in with what's actually true for us.

This Week's Practice

The invitation this week has to do with your own Values. If you know yours, keep reading. If you don't and want some help with that, I have a free online mini course that will guide you step by step.

When you have your values ready (usually that is a list of 4 - 6 values), you're all set to move through this week's exploration:

1. Choose one value that matters to you: I invite you to choose one that is really calling you. Perhaps it's Connection, Adventure, Joy, Compassion or something else entirely depending on your own values.

2. Notice this week: Where are you honoring this value? Where are you not?

Don't judge yourself. Just notice. Get curious.

3. Choose one small way to live this value this week. This isn’t about a dramatic overhaul. It’s about one small, concrete action that aligns with what you say matters.

Maybe it's leaving your phone in another room during dinner.

Maybe it's saying no to one obligation that drains you.

Maybe it's taking a 10-minute walk because it feels good, not because you "should."

Maybe it's spending 15 minutes on something creative, just for the joy of it.

One small step. That's all.

Again, if you need help identifying your Values or you want a refresh, here's the free online course that will guide you through.